Audrey II – Spatium praereptor
Hailing from Kepler-186f in the Plantae kingdom of the Milky Way galaxy, Spatium praereptor, commonly referred to as Audrey II (Audrey 2), “Twoey,” or “mean green mother from outer space,” is the only plant within its species. This carnivorous plant alien (palien/alieant? …we’ll just go with “plant”) has a unique set of known trapping mechanisms, employing high-mobility tendrils, a Venus-flytrap-like mouth lined with rigid teeth, vocalizations, and human psychology. Most notable is its ability to manipulate human emotion in order to lure and capture prey.
During early stages of life, Audrey II is parasitic, requiring blood from a host gardener for survival. As the plant grows, it develops a more mutualistic relationship with its host, providing monetary enrichment and endowing social status in return for larger prey.
The plant is uniquely known for its vocalizations and a level of intelligence equivalent to or greater than that of the average gardener.
Audrey II was once mistakenly categorized as a freakish hybrid between a Venus flytrap and a butterwort. Some also thought it was the result of breeding a Venus flytrap and an avocado. I… don’t think that’s accurate.
Biology of Audrey II
The trap of Audrey II leverages a unique combination of luring, ensnaring, and digesting mechanisms to feed its insatiable hunger. Audrey II deploys promises. It promises that, if you care for it, people will like you – a type of psychological lure for the timid gardener. It ensnares victims in a tangled web of highly-evolved tendrils and lies. But mostly lies.
Audrey II has a fibrous root-like structure similar to a rhizome, but more flexible. It acts to absorb water and limited nutrients. Like other carnivorous plants, it has adapted to extract most nutrient requirements from prey.
As a result, the root system remains compact relative to the mass of the rest of the plant. If the sentient plant gets root bound, it will violently force its way through most restrictive pots. Frankly, it’s not understood if mature specimens even require soil.
Audrey II produces flower-like structures along its vining appendages. Once self-pollinated, the flowers themselves morph into wee-little Audrey IIs in a process that I will coin “Frankly-Laughable-Origin-Without-Explanation-of-Reproduction” or FLOWER.
This process is similar to the Cobra Lily’s (Darlingtonia Californica) runners that branch from the main rhizome to sprout new plant clones. However, due to the pollination process, Audrey II offspring are not genetically identical clones.
Where to find Audrey II in the wild
Audrey II is an invasive species to earth, originating “past the stars, and beyond the moon,” or about 490 light-years from Earth on Kepler-186f. If you had a Falcon Heavy Rocket, a cryostasis chamber, and were willing to leave behind everything you’ve ever known on Earth, you could check out Audrey II in its natural habitat where it is the dominant species.
Otherwise, Audrey II can be purchased from local New York florists for a paltry $1.95, post-eclipse.